1. “you taught me precious secrets of the truth / withholding nothing.“
1a. “…but that was long ago.“
2. it is quite hard to believe that it has been almost a year since i’ve written one of these.
3. writing: the whole process and concept, feels so foreign.
4. “oh, how strange.”
5. in all honesty: it’s hard to believe that it has almost been a year…period.
5a. “…there’s no space or time.“
5b. but there has been / so much / s p a c e created by goodbyes
6c. …and time.
8. “i’ve acted my life out in [on] stages…“
8a. “no need to wonder why…“
9. i think i have created this obscure, this…dubious image. an image that i have been presenting to the world as some accurate portrayal of who i am. not necessarily deceptive, but in no way forthcoming.
9a. maybe it is an accurate portrayal. it doesn’t feel fraudulent, but it also doesn’t feel whole?
10. a fetor of caution and, dare i say, regret?
11. what an ugly word. inaccurate too.
11a. you have to be an active participant in the entire process(es) to regret, right?
11b. regret and the thing(s) that one regrets being an [action] [verb]and all.
12. “but we’ll go on living, our own way of living.“
13. [all of] this is familiar.
14. …the lines and lines and lines of ambiguous truth.
14a. i mean…i guess there is truth in ambiguity.
14b. …there is truth / in these lines. a myriad of varied…truths.
15. but it’s all just…familiar.
16. i guess truth is…familiar.
17. there is a metaphor in there, somewhere.
18. i’ve been studying the musical Company: the original production as well as the 2006 revival.
19. i feel more and more like Robert with each passing day.
19a. …and no, ‘day’ is not a euphemism for ‘body’.
19b. celibacy has never been so. . . necessary.
20. “i’ve sung a lot of songs…”
21a. “and let love die…”
22. maybe it’s because my birthday is inching closer
22a. and just like last year, i have no desire or plans to celebrate it.
23. …not nearly as tragic as it sounds or as tragic as i have a tendency to be.
23a. it just is.
24. “it’s a city of strangers.“
24a. “…hold on to whatever will get you through.“
25. [silence] [breathe] [. . .rest]
26. pacing: the stop and start, how it all settles and permeates. . . is so important.
27. artistry and all of its degrees are a metaphor.
28. time always seems to be running or have run out just when I find the [s p a c e] and place to…pace myself.
28a. rushing. rushing. rushing.
29. i need help.
29a. ha! shit just got real and quite adult very quickly.
30. it’s hard for me to say that i need help, but i willing admit that i have reached my level of ‘expertise‘ and i am, at this point, wandering with no direction or guidance.
31. truth: i am still struggling to comprehend the concept of the changes to my support system.
31a. in all honesty: it really is hard to believe that it has almost been a year.
32. i didn’t question my support system before because i belonged to and have always been kept my best friend in the same way i belonged to and was kept by him. there is nothing like knowing that time and space are always available. there is a beautiful and comforting commitment in that kind of bond.
32a. the support system i have now still includes my best friend as well as people, old and new, who i know care and love and want “what’s best for me”. however, adjusting to the re-establishment of that trust and bond—a trust and bond that will allow for: challenges and discussions. being cared for and questioned, inspired and trusted…and heard and listened to; that my well-being and NOT my ego is being considered and nurtured.
32b. …to take that risk is something i have struggled with… am struggling with.
32c. i am trying.
33. “and another hundred people just off of the train.”
34. at least i am being honest.
35. being O P E N was beautiful once…now it feels like a chore.
35a. …but i can’t help it. being O P E N, no matter how closed off i may seem [or am], is innate.
36. “darlin’ please see through me.“
37. i desire…i need compan[ionship]y.
38. is this where i bust into my rendition of “Being Alive”?
39. “but kiss me as you go.”
39a. “cause we’re alone / and i’m singing this song for you.”
40. [silence] [breathe] [. . .rest]
song: “a song for you/ goodbye”
artist: shirley horn
album: i love you, paris
song: “another hundred people”
artist: angel desai
album: company (2006 broadway revival cast)
song: “i don’t trust myself (with loving you)”
artist: john mayer