today
has been
absolutely shitty!
i miss him even more.
i don’t know if it’s even more, because it’s the end of the year
i don’t know if it’s even more, because it’s winter
i don’t know if it’s even more, because this separation makes sense
or because it makes…
ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE TO ME…AT ALL!
[context and understanding and growth are important here…but i don’t feel like explaining.
i feel like being emotional and dramatic and that is okay].
today…i am tired.
and hyper sensitive.
the fact of the matter is…
i need him. i always needed him, but i need him.
i belonged to him.
i belonged to us.
no matter how strong i feel and how strong I AM⎯on my own,
strength on my own
without him to share it with…especially in moments like this…when i don’t feel
necessarily
strong
. . .feels⎯at times, hollow.
undirected.
without purpose.
just…
today has been absolutely shitty.
and i miss him.
mutually exclusive.
i want to share my shitty day with someone him and feel heard
and listened to. and even if he says nothing or just, “okay”, or talks me through it⎯
i still just want to share.
say, “good night” and “we’ll talk later.”
feel kept. i want to feel…no matter how minuscule my shitty day was on a larger scale…it was my day and it mattered.
and today
was an absolutely
shitty day.
felt & understood dear.
& I’m sorry today was such a raw, shitty day.