grey[dot]matters.

the [s p a c e s] in between.

‘…cause my love’s in there hiding.’ (random list #1).

1. “you taught me precious secrets of the truth / withholding nothing.

1a. “…but that was long ago.

2. it is quite hard to believe that it has been almost a year since i’ve written one of these.

3. writing: the whole process and concept, feels so foreign.

3a. …alien?

4. “oh, how strange.”

5. in all honesty: it’s hard to believe that it has almost been a year…period.

5a. “…there’s no space or time.

5b. but there has been / so much / s p a c e created by goodbyes

6c. …and time.

7. period.

8. “i’ve acted my life out in [on] stages…

8a. no need to wonder why…

9. i think i have created this obscure, this…dubious image. an image that i have been presenting to the world as some accurate portrayal of who i am. not necessarily deceptive, but in no way forthcoming.

9a. maybe it is an accurate portrayal. it doesn’t feel fraudulent, but it also doesn’t feel whole?

9b. precise?

10. a fetor of caution and, dare i say, regret?

11. what an ugly word. inaccurate too.

11a. you have to be an active participant in the entire process(es) to regret, right?

11b. regret and the thing(s) that one regrets being an [action] [verb]and all.

12.  “but we’ll go on living, our own way of living.

13. [all of] this is familiar.

14. …the lines and lines and lines of ambiguous truth.

14a. i mean…i guess there is truth in ambiguity.

14b. …there is truth / in these lines. a myriad of varied…truths.

15.  but it’s all just…familiar.

16. i guess truth is…familiar.

17. there is a metaphor in there, somewhere.

18. i’ve been studying the musical Company: the original production as well as the 2006 revival.

19. i feel more and more like Robert with each passing day.

19a. …and no, ‘day’ is not a euphemism for ‘body’.

19b. celibacy has never been so. . . necessary.

20. “i’ve sung a lot of songs…”

21a. “and let love die…”

22. maybe it’s because my birthday is inching closer

22a. and just like last year, i have no desire or plans to celebrate it.

23. …not nearly as tragic as it sounds or as tragic as i have a tendency to be.

23a. it just is.

24. “it’s a city of strangers.

24a. “…hold on to whatever will get you through.

25. [silence] [breathe] [. . .rest]

26. pacing: the stop and start,  how it all settles and permeates. . . is  so important.

27. artistry and all of its degrees are a metaphor.

28. time always seems to be running or have run out just when I find the  [s p a c e] and place to…pace myself.

28a. rushing. rushing. rushing.

29. i need help.

29a. ha! shit just got real and quite adult very quickly.

30. it’s hard for me to say that i need help, but i willing admit that i have reached my level of ‘expertise‘ and i am, at this point, wandering with no direction or guidance.

31. truth: i am still struggling to comprehend the concept of the changes to my support system.

31a. in all honesty: it really is hard to believe that it has almost been a year.

32. i didn’t question my support system before because i belonged to and have always been kept my best friend in the same way i belonged to and was kept by him. there is nothing like knowing that time and space are always available. there is a beautiful and comforting commitment in that kind of bond.

32a. the support system i have now still includes my best friend as well as people, old and new, who i know care and love and want “what’s best for me”. however, adjusting to the re-establishment of that trust and bond—a trust and bond that will allow for: challenges and discussions. being cared for and questioned, inspired and trusted…and heard and listened to; that my well-being and NOT my ego is being considered and nurtured.

32b. …to take that risk is something i have struggled with… am struggling with.

32c. i am trying.

33. “and another hundred people just off of the train.”

34. at least i am being honest.

35. being O P E N was beautiful once…now it feels like a chore.

35a. …but i can’t help it. being O P E N,  no matter how closed off i may seem [or am], is innate.

36. “darlin’ please see through me.

37. i desire…i need compan[ionship]y.

38. is this where i bust into my rendition of “Being Alive”?

39.  “but kiss me as you go.”

39a. “cause we’re alone / and i’m singing this song for you.”

40. [silence] [breathe] [. . .rest]

==========
listening to:
song
: “a song for you/ goodbye”
artist: shirley horn
album: i love you, paris

listening to:
song
: “another hundred people”
artist: angel desai
album: company (2006 broadway revival cast)

listening to:
song: “i don’t trust myself (with loving you)”
artist
: john mayer
album
: continuum
==========

Filed under: random lists.

…if for no other reason than for my peace of mind.

H B
143.

Filed under: for me.

…however, on a much lighter note.

…because Arnez J will
NEVER NOT be funny.

Filed under: videos.,

Valediction.

It’s not like it was before
And she can’t keep me anymore...

“…if i got a hotel room would you stay with me?”

*looks at your 4th finger, left hand*

really?

Nothing more for me to say
But not today / not today / no.

 

Filed under: niggas ain't shit.

“stolen moments”

dreamin’ ’bout you
i keep dreamin’ bout you
when i’m dreamin’ ’bout when you would say

4 minutes 51 seconds:

we can go.”

Filed under: him., memories., music.,

i…Love[d] [an excerpt of something or other or maybe not...but i mean, it's "som e thin g."].

i…Love[d]

i have loved too much
loved inappropriately
and in fear and in need and loudly and obscenely. loved when there was no love to give
loved the undeserved

i was undeserving…too.

loved in hate and anger. loved in some of the most disgusting and pitiful…the most demeaning ways.
i have loved in lies. lied in love.
held onto those who loved me just to feed off their love in an attempt to preserve my own.

Filed under: bits + pieces., love and shit, words.

working thoughts & philosophical musings.

[conception: 09.16.2010].

…because as children we are conditioned
to believe
that drawing outside the lines
is wrong
unacceptable.
we, in turn, spend a great amount of time
reprimanding ourselves, as adults,
for “drawing outside the lines.”

lines” being a metaphor for all that is unconventional.

unconventional |ˌənkənˈven sh ənl|
adjective
not based on or conforming to what is generally done or believed

unconventional: what is not “understood”?
understanding: being what is comprehensively pretty and accessible. what “fits” for the majority.?

[a period and question mark after that - it is a statement, but as i am still trying to grasp the concept of what it means to "understand" i feel to be so definitive in such a statement is premature
and prohibits room to allow for...understanding]

are perfect lines accurate for every design?
is perfection a conditioned understanding? is it learned?
or is perfection an individual goal outside of societal ideology?
societal theology?

can it be both?

is perfection synonymous with Christianity.
Christianity
being “Christ like”.

is being “Christ-like” the same as being a Christian?

and if perfection is derived from the idea of being “christ like”,
can anyone who doesn’t subscribe
to that way of thinking⎯to those beliefs; can they too, obtain what is considered…perfection?
 

can you strive to be “Christ-like” without being a “Christian?

is perfection an innate desire?
if it is indeed innate, can one use that as evidence to support the concept of Creationism?

if we were created to strive for and/or desire perfection…
if Christ is the example we are to follow…

is convention our attempt at internally reconciling man’s innate sinful nature?
is convention our attempt at sacrifice? 

if one doesn’t subscribe to any or all of the beliefs and doctrines of “Christianity“…
if one seeks enlightenment and understanding alone⎯separate from the collective…
if one finds God [the idea of perfection] for himself…

can the collective still govern over, through the practice of convention, the concept of perfection?

then again

…if man is not perfect, how can man dictate perfection through the practice of convention for all?
if Convention &
Tradition…are all man made ideals…

and perfection is a Divine creation…

doesn’t that make perfection, like the concept of Time
unfathomable
by the limited scope of man?

doesn’t man’s control and regulations for man based on a NOT understood
the demonizing and chastising of the individual…
the reprimanding for difference and of being challenged⎯questioned

…strip us of a Divine understanding and or right, of the concept of “Free Will“?

even through the concept of “Predestination”
…can’t one argue convention, as then, arrogant?
the idea that if “God” has predestined the lives of man⎯
then man’s attempt to dictate convention promotes the ideal that “God” needs the help of man
to govern over…what he already controls.

if one is to adhere or not adhere to “convention”, should that not be a personal and individual decision?
and if it should, indeed, be an individual decision does not that decision promote
the practice of “drawing outside the lines“…even if one decides to stay “in the lines“?

the lines” being and allowing for individual boundaries and beliefs.
…or is the goal of convention to debunk the concept and practice of the individual?

Filed under: bits + pieces., musings.

fuck me sideways.

today
has been
absolutely shitty!

i miss him even more.
i don’t know if it’s even more, because it’s the end of the year
i don’t know if it’s even more, because it’s winter
i don’t know if it’s even more, because this separation makes sense
or because it makes…

ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE TO ME…AT ALL!

[context and understanding and growth are important here…but i don’t feel like explaining.
i feel like being emotional and dramatic and that is okay].

today…i am tired.
and hyper sensitive.

the fact of the matter is…

i need him. i always needed him, but i need him.
i belonged to him.
i belonged to us.
no matter how strong i feel and how strong I AM⎯on my own,
strength on my own
without him to share it with…especially in moments like this…when i don’t feel
necessarily
strong
. . .feels⎯at times, hollow.
undirected.
without purpose.

just…

today has been absolutely shitty.
and i miss him.

mutually exclusive.

i want to share my shitty day with someone him and feel heard
and listened to. and even if he says nothing or just, “okay”, or talks me through it⎯

i still just want to share.

say, “good night” and “we’ll talk later.”

feel kept. i want to feel…no matter how minuscule my shitty day was on a larger scale…it was my day and it mattered.

and today
was an absolutely
shitty day.

Filed under: him., rants.

so real.

jeff buckley will save me from myself today
it is painfully obvious i am feeling self destructive
and overwhelmed with a familiar anger and a turbulent tired.

it’s days like today i just want to escape in his sound⎯
so i shall.

Filed under: bits + pieces., music.

“…searching for completion.”

months
drenched in internal inquires.
i went looking for the answers
and stumbled upon a meager revelation.

albeit⎯

a disruptive and relentless heavy.

dreams deferred.
memories of hope
the hope for more…the collective not considered or included.
individual dreams for
the respective individual mattered more.

discovery: sore balls. nervous energy⎯ascension.
no mention or detail into feelings or
BEings. [that has and always will matter].
and even though i “…love your colors.”
your “…many different, crazy colors…
with data in black and white
your story, now
only in black and white

details are minced and lost in a monochrome translation.

searching for the narrative behind your hieroglyphics
…i become
sick. overwhelmed.

unwell

and filled.

understanding: communal property is sacred and never to be dug into
even if oil lies beneath.

truth: insider trading is the sole source to my wealth.

concluding.’ - e.badu

armed with a loaded intent…weighted perception.
encouragement⎯lifeline: allowing for reciprocation.
i: breathe. breathe. breathe.

[patience is a trait i am still working on].

sitting amongst solitary hope
for the matters of the individual.

mindful that all matter matters and love
will determine the road i next travel.

Filed under: him., thoughts.

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